cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
