i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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