It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
