some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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