I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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