i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
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