I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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