I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
