my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
