nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
