my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize