I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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