I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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