I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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