I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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