She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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