Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
We don't watch enough power rangers
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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