if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
