I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
