thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
