is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
