The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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