True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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