What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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