i was rollin on her like bob the builder
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
