anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Randomize
