The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
