ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
31 People Admit To Nasty Things They Do On The Reg
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
21 Of The Most Regrettable Tattoo Ideas Ever
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"