Dude my mom stole all your condoms
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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