She's JV to your varsity
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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