he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
