I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
