someone owes me an orgasm
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Are we still banned from the library?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
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