I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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