my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
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