at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
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