Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Randomize
