He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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