oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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