If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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