we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
