i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Randomize
