I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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