ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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