Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
