If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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