i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
sarcasm needs its own font
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
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