Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
