I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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