My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
