i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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