oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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