Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
