Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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