She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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