went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
