just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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