I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
