The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
