Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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