Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Randomize